Team Grandpa!

I have secretly come to love Deacon's "Team Grandpa" shirt, but when it was first given to us I was anything but a fan. For some reason I've never liked things that say "Mommy's little angel" or "I Love Daddy" or "Grandma's Cupcake" on them, and I always said I would never let my kids wear things like that. There's absolutely nothing wrong with those things, but I think because I am such a young mom and know that I am judged quickly I have become very picky about Deacon's clothing. The last thing I want is for someone to see us at Target and feel bad for Deacon because he is dressed badly and I don't have on appropriate "mommy clothes". I know, I know, it's silly, but I can't help but be self-conscious about it! We Skyped with my parents this morning and my Dad was so excited to see his "Big D" wearing his "Team Grandpa" shirt :) Then I remembered the Fighting Illini hat that I bought Deacon before he was born and we had my Dad grinning from ear to ear!


Last week was one of very little sleep for me, it was Deacon's "off" week and he got up every 2 hours in the middle of the night to eat. For some reason he goes through these weekly phases of sleeping 8 hours and the next he only sleeps 2 at a time. Ah! I can't really complain because when he does wake up it's only for 10 minutes to eat and then he's back to bed, but it makes for a very long day come 8AM! That's why it's taken me so long to update, sorry about that. I was just absolutely exhausted by the time I got him into bed and ate dinner that all I wanted to do was crash.

As you can see from the pictures Deacon still constantly has his hands in his mouth- if it's not his whole fist it's two fingers! I put my finger in there yesterday just to see if he was gnawing of sucking, and he is chowing down. He has also started biting me when he eats which isn't so comfortable now, but when those teeth come in I'm in for it! I can't help but wonder if Deacon is teething but my mom seems to think otherwise- guess we'll find out!


Another thing this week that he has started doing is insisting that I not only stand up and hold him, but he needs to face out so he can see everything as well. This started with his 6 poop-less days when the only time I could get him to face me was when he ate, and even then I had to trick him into but getting him sucking on the pap and then quick switch it up on him. Just getting him to eat the last couple of days was exhausting enough! All day long last week all he wanted was to either be sitting up in the Bumbo, propped on the couch, sitting on my knee, or held standing up and facing out. We've had a couple of rough mornings during the twins feeding time, Deacon all but screams the whole time because he wants me standing with him instead of sitting on the floor with him in my lap. Hopefully this phase won't last long, but on the upside he's at least strong enough to sit on my hip if I need to do something else while holding him!


Deacon continues to smile and laugh every day, he is such a happy baby! Scott and I are truly blessed to have such a sweet boy and we soak up every grin and giggle we get out of him. He has started laughing when we make noises, funny faces, and just randomly when his eye catches something that tickles him. This is such a fun age! Even though he hasn't quite figured out the Skype thing, he loves to sit and talk to people, telling all kinds of "stories"! Deacon has started grabbing for toys and putting them him his mouth, though his Lovey is never far away. We desperately need to order him a couple more, the poor little thing has become his spit rag, chew toy, and other than me his only comfort when he is upset or tired. It's so precious to watch him and Lovey all curled up together- and don't even think of taking him away to wash him while Deacon is asleep or you're in for it! Haha.


The weather the last couple of days has been absolutely beautiful and we've been taking full advantage of it! Joi had a picnic lunch with Willow and the boys on Thursday afternoon and she's decided that sidewalk chalk is her new favorite thing. Deacon likes to sit out on the front porch in the stroller and watch the cars, Joi, and Willow while soaking up the warm sun. Jaxon and Jayden have been like little old men sitting on the front porch in their walkers drinking a bottle in the afternoons haha! I think Willow has enjoyed the weather the most, we've gotten to take her to the dog park 4 times in the last week! Both Friday and Saturday there must have been over 200 dogs at the park enjoying the warm weather, it was nuts! We met another Boston friend yesterday, his name was LeRoy and I'm not at all exaggerating when I say the only difference between the two of them was that he is just a little bit taller. They were so funny following each other around, it was almost as if they thought it was a mirror! Silly Willow :)


For some reason this week Willow has been getting herself into some trouble, which is very unlike her. She ran away from me on Thursday when we were at the kids house playing outside and wouldn't come back when I called her. The kids that were playing down the street had to chase her down for 5 minutes before she would come back, so she got a spanking and had to stay home on Friday. Saturday morning Scott and I babysat for a couple of hours and Willow came back because Joi missed her, but then she pooped in their parent's room. He was probably just kidding and didn't seem mad about it, but their Dad made a comment about throwing Willow outside with the big dogs for pooping in his room so I don't think she's going to be able to come back with me anymore. Hopefully the weather will stay nice and Scott can start taking her to the park in the afternoons, otherwise I think she'll go stir-crazy being in the apartment all day by herself after coming with me and running around with Joi all day for the last month and a half. Maybe after a while I can bring her back, I just don't want to bring Willow if she's not welcomed. I know Amber loves her because she's had a Boston before, but if LeeRoy has a problem with her coming then she's got to stay home!


In other news, I got to go get my hair cut on Wednesday which was such a nice escape for a couple of hours! Deacon stayed home with Scott, I think they really enjoyed having some boy time for a while. When I got home Deacon had been bathed, fed, and was sound asleep :) The girl that cut my hair just graduated from cosmetology school a couple of months ago and has a daughter named Lillie who is a month younger than Deacon. It was really nice to talk to Brooke about our babies and share stories about our pregnancies, births, and the new things our little ones are doing. Brooke and I met through one of my ex-boyfriends 2 years ago and before this we weren't friends- it's amazing how much time and new babies will change people! I'm so glad we could put all the drama behind us and become friends, I think we're going to get together for a play-date with Lillie and Deacon sometime soon! And I'm so happy with my hair, it's exactly what I needed!


I think the most exciting thing that happened this week is that I booked my plane ticket for Deacon and I to come to Raleigh for a week over Easter!!! I can't wait to see my family again, I've been so homesick the last couple of weeks. Unfortunately Scott can't come with us, he has three tests that week, but he understands how important it is for Deacon to get to see his grandparents and for me to see my family (I've especially been missing my mom a LOT!) I haven't told anyone yet that I'm coming, but it should be a really fun trip. The Hupps just had their 6th birthday and they adore Deacon, so a visit with them is a must! And of course my Meredith and I will get to hang out, I'm super excited to see her :) Woo-hoo Raleigh here we come!!

Kat.

Sorry everyone! I know you've been looking at our blog this week in hopes of a new entry and I have had nothing for you. It's been a long week and I just haven't had the motivation to update. First off, Deacon finally blew and is much happier now. Haha. A lot has happened since Tuesday and I will gladly share with everyone tomorrow, but tonight I really want to share something that has been on my mind for a while now.

The last time I was in North Carolina visiting my family I also got to see one of my old friends, Katherine. She and I have known each other since 6th grade, we rode horses at the same barn and once we became friends we were completely inseparable for the next 4 years. We even moved schools together in 8th grade, but our freshman year Katherine drastically changed from the pony-loving, glitter-wearing, carefree girl that I once knew. She became a cheerleader (nothing wrong with that!) but with that image she also thought that she had to have a boyfriend who was a bad influence, almost flunk all of her classes, cut herself, and lose so much weight that she became anorexic. Within months it was like I didn't even know a girl who had been my best friend for 4 years.

I and a couple of my friends decided that we needed to do something about Katherine's behavior when we saw big gashes on the inside of her legs one day in gym class. We went to our counselor and had an intervention with Katherine, who then was taken out of school, and eventually sent to a home for troubled teen girls. Shortly after she was admitted she and her roomate rigged the window alarm in their room and jumped to the ground to escape. After being missing for 2 days she called a friend, and told us all that she had been in downtown Raleigh staying with a man that she didn't know- scared the living daylights out of everyone. Once she got home she was sent to Holly Hill (a mental hospital and drug rehab) for the first of a handful of times in the next few years.

After that Katherine continued to get involved with the wrong crowd and had started using drugs and drinking alcohol- many times mixing the two. She and I had lost touch for the most part at that point, every once in a while we would talk and hang out, but for the most part Katherine hung out with her other friends and chose not to talk to me because she knew that I didn't approve. She dropped out of high school after escaping from the girls home, and was struggling to hold a job with no education and no licence- we were only 16 at this time. One day Katherine's mom called me and asked me to talk to Katherine because she suspected that she was getting herself into things that were illegal and unsafe. I brought her to my house for a "girls night" and she spilled her story- not only had she begun experimenting with sex, drugs, and alcohol, but she had taken morphine and drank tequila right before I picked her up. After I brought her back home I called her mom and told her what I had found out, she confronted Katherine about it told her that she was going to rehab again. Katherine refused to go and I had to go back to her house, pack up her things, and take her shaking and hysterical to rehab. I was barely 16 and could not believe that I was taking my best friend to rehab in the middle of the night. This was the last time I heard from Katherine until my 18th birthday.


Almost two years later she called me out of the blue and told me that she was in a halfway house after getting out of a 6 month long intense rehab. My best friend Meredith and I went to go see her for the first time in two years on my 18th birthday- we barely recognized her. She was smoking like a freight train, had a completely different tone to her voice, and still looked incredibly skinny and worn down by the drugs. Katherine had become addicted to crack and crystal meth, among many other random street and prescription drugs, sneaking out of her parents house every night to go to college parties, sleep on park benches, and stay with friends who were anything but good influences on her. The day that Katherine told us about where she had been the last year and a half was the last time Meredith and I would hear from her for the next 2 1/2 years. Her house mom had given her a curfew and she hadn't told us about it, so when she got back late she told her to pack her things and get out-it was her last strike. Mere and I felt terrible, like it was our fault that she had gotten kicked out, but in reality Katherine would be forced to leave shortly regardless.

It was almost as if Katherine completely disappeared, we didn't know if she was alive, dead, healthy, sick, clean, or abusing drugs still. Meredith and I talked every week and at least once a month we wondered aloud to each other where Katherine was or what had happened to her. Last summer a girl we went to high school with found Katherine's MySpace and we were absolutely shocked by what we found. She was indeed still alive and still addicted to drugs, it was very clear by her pictures and comments on the page. We also discovered that she was a dancer at a strip club in Greensboro, NC, and I called to ask if she was still working there. The girl I talked to said she was and we were so relieved that Katherine was still alive! I messaged her just asking if she remembered me, and a month later she messaged me back and we began to talk again after such a long and uneasy 2 1/2 years. Katherine and I eventually exchanged phone numbers and so did she and Meredith, but we were completely unprepared for the voice that called us a few days later. We didn't even recognize her, it was like a completely different person! I can't even describe in words how incredibly dark, raspy, and drug beaten she sounded, but I agreed to meet up with her the next time I would be in Raleigh.


That time came in September last year when I was 7 months pregnant with Deacon. She came to my baby shower, and the next day was put in the hospital for an asthma attack. Meredith and I went to see her and she told me all about what had gone on in the 2 1/2 years she completely disappeared from my world. After leaving the halfway house that day, Katherine was taken in by a family who had gone through the same situation with their son. Eventually she again got in with the wrong crowd, got back into drugs, left the house, and moved to Greensboro. She then started doing dope (heroin) and dove deeper and deeper in to the black hole that would become her life for the next 2 years. A couple times she went to rehab and got clean but it never lasted long because she could never bring herself to stay away from the crowd that continued to get her involved in the drugs. She then started dancing at a strip club, and eventually got in the business of escorting. Katherine slept with hundreds of men and did things that I could not have imagined in my wildest dreams, and spent all of her money on drugs. She had to disappear and leave town to get away from the pimp who was using her body and providing her with drugs, and ended up in Carolina beach with a friend of hers. One night Katherine and this group got in a fight at a bar, she for some reason had brass knuckles with her and beat a Marine in the parking lot. She was arrested and charged, but the worst part in her eyes was detoxing in a jail cell all on her own. After that she was brought back to Raleigh and put in a facility for recovering drug addicts that uses a step or phase program to get the women who live there out into the world with a job, a car, a home, and help them to deal with the emotional baggage that comes along with being a drug addict. I don't think my jaw could have stayed shut if I wanted it to, I was in complete shock of what she was telling me. As disappointed as I was in the path that she had taken, I was more sad than anything else. Katherine had completely changed from the sweet teeny-bopper that I had once known, and I didn't even know the shattered woman who sat in front of me.


After returning to Texas Katherine and I stayed in touch and she seemed to be doing well until her 21st birthday rolled around. For some odd reason her parole officer told her that she could leave the center! Seriously?! Katherine had been court ordered to stay at the facility until she had completed the phases, and they were letting her leave two days before her 21st birthday. Meredith and I were furious with her for coming so close to beating this monster and then giving up the first chance she got. Katherine moved in with her parents, and a week later I went back to Raleigh for a visit and got to see her again. Meredith, Deacon and I went to her parents house one afternoon to see her and were blown away by what happened while we were there. Katherine told us that she had decided to date a girl named Megan who had just been released from prison on drug charges. RED FLAG!! We smelled marijuana when we walked into her room, but nothing beat when she opened her underwear drawer and a straw, lighter, and spoon full of white powder was sitting there plain as day. I was baffled that not only was she getting back into drugs a week after leaving the facility, but she had brought my baby into a home with drugs in it. It was at that point that I went from being a supportive friend into total Mama Bear mode and I decided that until she decides to get clean and stay that way I want absolutely nothing to do with her. Meredith and I were furious, disappointed, shocked, and felt that we had been made a fool of for actually believing that she could change after this long. We called her mom and told her what had happened, and even though it was not disclosed who gave the information, Katherine has yet to try and contact either of us after that day.

Two weeks ago I was watching Dr. Phil and it was about a drug intervention so I texted Katherine's mom in the off chance that they would be able to catch the episode. After that we exchanged emails and I told her that I would love to know how Katherine is doing and what is going on in her life, but as far as talking to her I am too mad to bring myself to do so. Nobody puts my baby in danger and just gets away with it, Deacon is my world and I would give my life for him in an instant- she's not worth losing my baby. I just don't understand what it will take to get her to clean herself up and reach the potential that we all know she is capable of.

I have watched a couple other Dr. Phil episodes on drug interventions lately, and while they make me angry with Katherine, they also have made me realize why I have felt the need to be so involved and supportive in Katherine's journey. In a way I have felt responsible for her addiction, like I should have been there for her more, I should have voiced my oppinion about her friends and boyfriends, I should have been more aggressive with her about the drugs, and I should never have allowed her to leave my life for as long as she did. But it is NOT my fault and there is NOTHING that I could have done to help her. And most of all, it is not my responsibility to FIX her because I CAN'T.

Her parents and brother have been through such a rollercoaster ride with her, I just cannot imagine your child going through what Katherine has the last 7 years. I look at my sweet Deacon sleeping in his crib and pray to God that I never have to experience the pain that Katherine's parents have, my heart goes out to them as they continue to deal with everything that she dumps on them. Please keep them in your prayers, God is the only one who is in control of this situation, I know He has a plan for Katherine and her family that none of us could even dream of.

10! 10! 10!

1. It's been five days now, and sweet little Deacon STILL hasn't pooped! The poor child is cranky, gassy, and grunting all day long but can't manage to get anything out. The bathtub tonight was full of bubbles that were not from the soap, so hopefully it will happen tomorrow! My mom keeps reminding me of the fourteen days that I went without pooping, let's just pray that Deacon isn't out to break my record.

2. BRUCE WEBER NEEDS TO BE FIRED! Ohio State?! Really?! Numerous four letter words come to mind when I think about what has happened to Illinois basketball and I am NOT happy about it! Time to change the subject before I get ugly about it.

3. Tomorrow I'm getting my hair cut and I'm still very unsure of what I'm going to do to it! Of all the decisions I make on a daily basis, how to cut and color my hair always takes more time and effort than any of them. Why is this? It's just hair! For some reason I feel like it's all I have left of myself. I've always had the fun hair and I don't really want that part of me to change. I took out all my piercings, threw away all of my old party clothes, and really put myself into mature mom mode once I got pregnant- but I can't seem to let go of my hair!

4. My birthday is two weeks from today! I can't wait to be twenty-one, but at the same time it's the last big birthday I'll have for a long time. I feel like for the last five years I've been saying "I can't wait until my ______ birthday!" but after this one it all goes downhill. You don't want to turn forty or sixty-five, but twenty-one is a BIG one. With Deacon I won't really be spending my birthday the way most of my friends do, but I'm excited to go to dinner and celebrate with some of my favorite people :)


5. Oh Joi Joi... She cracks me up! Joi mimics every move that I make even though she can't say more than a handful of words- scary. She has twin baby dolls that she carries around with her all day, they have tummy time, sit in the bouncy seat, have their diapers changed, and even get shoved under her shirt for a feeding! Hilarious! But so flattering at the same time, she wants to be just like me :) In this picture she was sitting on the potty and she always likes me to sit and wait with her (unless she's taking a poop, then she needs PRIVACY). I had my legs crossed, and the next time I looked at her she had one leg over the other and her hands over her hips. Talk about little miss sassy pants! Love it. Last night her mom texted me and asked if I had been doing sit-ups that day. Confused, I texted her back and said that I hadn't been and why she was asking.. Apparently Joi was doing sit-ups on the floor and grunting with each one! Haha! She's such a trip :)

6. This whole Tiger Woods business is really starting to irritate me. At first I was curious about the situation just like every other American, but now I am tired of hearing about it. I think it's terrible that someone like him is getting this much media coverage and attention over such a horrible series of actions. Maybe it's just me, but I have absolutely no tolerance for adultery!


7. I think there is some sort of secret, underground Boston Terrier lover society. Seriously! You see two people with Chihuahuas walking down the street and they don't even acknowledge each other. But if they have Bostons they stop and share their entire life stories with each other! Not only that, but they're never referred to as "Bostons" it's always the name of your dog. In the movie Valentine's Day there is a Boston, and when she came on the screen Scott and I both looked at each other with wide eyes and big goofy grins and said "Look there's a WILLOW!" We all went to the dog park this weekend and there was another Willow named Major- what a handsome man! Scott was almost drooling, and of course we all stood together and talked about our Bostons for a good fifteen minutes before they left! I can't wait to get another one, I just LOVE my Boston!

8. I think it's funny how different things are now between my mom and I. Last night Angela had some friends over and one of them wrote something rather rude on her facebook. I called and asked her about it, and afterward Angela said that I got her in trouble and that my mom "hated" her now because she apparently was giving her "looks" all night after I had called her out on it. I in no way meant to embarrass her or get her in trouble, I was just trying to stick up for my sister if someone was being mean to her. Seven years ago I would have felt exactly the same way Angela did and had similar thoughts as well. But now that I'm older, more mature, and a mother myself, I see things my mom says and does as being helpful and loving, not out to get me the way I used to. It's weird how relationships change and grow, but I'm so glad that they do. For the longest time I thought my mom hated me and that everything she did was to make my life miserable- but now I see that a huge part of the problems that we had was because of me. As teenagers we don't realize how skewed our view is on not only our parents, but authority in general. I'm so glad that I now see things the way they really are, and hopefully I can help Angela to have a much more peaceful and enjoyable teenage experience than I did.

9. Deacon's smiles and giggles are like food for my soul. I am so in love with my sweet baby boy, I never knew that it was possible to feel this way about anyone! It's such a different kind of love than you have with your husband, parents, even your Willow- it consumes you in it's own unique way and I LOVE that! Deacon is such a Mama's boy, he just lights up every time he sees me. We have such a special bond, I can't imagine my life without those dimples, chubby hands, long eyelashes, and all that sweet baby chunk! Motherhood is truly what I was made for :)

10. Last, but not least, I love being married. Scott and I had a whirlwind romance and were married a year to the day that we started dating. We lived together, moved in with his parents, got an apartment, brought home sweet Willow, were engaged, had our precious baby Deacon, and got married all in ONE YEAR! It's been a life-changing experience, one that I never imagined myself having, but I wouldn't change one second of it. As a lifestyle, Scott and I have been all but married for a very long time, but for some reason being able to call him my husband, signing Maggie Hensley, and having two rings on my finger instead of one makes me feel so much more whole. As far as husbands go- Scott Patrick Hensley takes the cake ;)

Rebecca's Testimony

This weekend was all around wonderful! We took Willow to the dog park, got some really nice things for our house, went on a date with some of our friends, Deacon had a great time with Aunt D and Uncle Shane, and we took some serious afternoon naps! After the three year anniversary of Rebecca's death, my old Bible teacher Mr Kowalke (the fantastic man who married Scott and I!) sent me her testimony that she wrote our sophomore year in high school. I thought I would share it with you all, it is something she wanted to touch many people even after she was no longer here to share it herself. I hope it inspires you as much as it does me!

"Then the word of the Lord came to me, saying: 'Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; Before you were born, I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.' Then said I: 'Ah, Lord God! Behold, I cannot speak, for I am a youth.' But the Lord said to me: 'Do not say "I am a youth," For you shall go to all to whom I send you, and whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of their faces, for I am with you to deliver you,' says the Lord. Then the Lord put forth His hand and touched my mouth, and the Lord said to me: 'Behold, I have put My words into your mouth. See, I have this day set you over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out and to pull down, To destroy and to throw down, to build and to plant.'" -Jeremiah 1:4-10

My life is not perfect. It never has been, and it never will be. I sin, I mess up. Because of my sin, I have trouble walking with God. I struggle, and I fight to do things on my own. I know in my heart of hearts that I cannot do it alone, yet I try my hardest, not wanting to admit that I just cannot in any possible way or form be my own person and do my own things while still doing it right.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I had a wake up call. I knew that there was no way that, on my own strength and determination, I could get through the treatment and survive. It is impossible, and the doctors will tell you that the statistics were not good. No one believed me when I said that I was fine. When I said I was not angry or upset, everyone doubted me- like I do not know my own heart. "You're in denial." "You have to feel something." Sure, I felt something. I was upset at the devil; I was upset with the world for being full of sin and disease; but life is not about being upset or mad or frustrated. Life is about pressing through the hard times and growing in your faith through those times, all the while rejoicing and giving thanks for the good things that you do have. Giving up is not an option- at least not for me.

Two years ago, on March eleventh, I was given a huge sucker punch in the stomach, so to speak. I cried and I was disappointed in the fact that life was never going to be the same. My God and my faith, however, carried me through. I came to a hard valley in my life, but He picked me up and carried me in His loving arms when I could walk no longer. I quickly came to realize that there was more to this than meets the eye. Raised in a Christian home, surrounded by high moral standards and expectations, I do not have an amazing conversion experience. I remember asking Christ to be Lord of my lilfe at a young age, but until about four years ago, it was just second nature. I can see now, looking back, that God was preparing me for this time in my life. Slowly, I began to realize that I needed Him more than I knew, and when I was diagnosed, I knew that He and He alone would pull me through.

I will not deny that the question, "Why?" passed through my head a few times, but then I realized that it does not matter why. There is sin, disease, and yes, heaven forbid, death, in this world, and I happen to be one of the people affected by the disease part of that. It becomes part of your life, and I learned to deal with it. One night, while sitting in my hospital room with beeping machines and the lights turned low, I turned to this verse in Jeremiah. "What do I say, Father, when people ask me about this? I am so unsure and I do not always know what to say even though, in my heart, I know how it feels." My child, I will speak for you. Do not be afraid because I will deliver you. I will give you words, and I will set you over nations and kingdoms to 'root out and to pull down, to destroy and to throw down, to build and to plant.' I will use you, and you will be great because you are mine.

"And Mary said, 'My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior. For He has regarded the lowly state of his maidservant; For behold, henceforth all generations will call me blessed. For He who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is His name. And His mercy is on those who fear Him from generation to generation. He has shown strength with His arm; He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts. He has put down the mighty from their thrones, and exalted the lowly. He has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich He has sent away empty. He has helped His servant Israel, in remembrance of His mercy, As He spoke to our fathers, to Abraham and to his seed forever.'" -Luke 1:46-55

I am a child of God. Nothing- not sin, disease, death, even Satan himself, can take that from me. As His child, I am forever blessed in mind, soul, heart, and body. However, I am promised in His word, that, when I glorify His name alone, I will be blessed, and all generations will know. My Father has given me His blessing, His love, His power alone, and it matters not what man or devil does to me- to my heart, to my body, to my soul.

I am His, and, "A thousand may fall at my side, and ten thousand at my right hand; but it shall not come near me... because I have made the Lord, who is my refuge, even the Most High, my dwelling place, No evil shall befall me, nor shall any plague come near my dwelling; for He shall give His angels charge over me, to keep me in all my ways. In their hands, they shall bear me up, Lest I dash my foot against a stone... Because I have set my love upon Him, therefore He will deliver me; He will set me on high, because I have known His name. I will call upon Him, and He will answer me; He will be with me in trouble; He will deliver me and honor me. With long life, He will satisfy me, and show me His salvation." (Psalm 91:7-16; paraphrase).

Life is not about just the good times. My Father does not want me to suffer, but because of my sin, I do, and He allows it. Sometimes, yes, it is hard, and I feel like giving up. Then, however, I turn to His words of promise and assurance. You are mine. I will give you strength. Trust me, and Me alone, and it will be OK. I know it is hard. I have been there to worse, and back again. I suffered for you already, and I defeated it so you would not have to. I love you, and I will get you through no matter what. You will even be a better person because of it. Just trust Me that I have it taken care of. I took care of it 2000 yeras ago, and you do not have to worry about it because 'it is finished.' Rest in my arms, Rebecca. I will carry you, and we will get through this together because you are Mine alone.

Happy Friday!

So glad it's the weekend, it's been quite a week. Today seemed extra long, Deacon had a hard morning and really didn't settle down until around two this afternoon. For some reason he was having really bad gas pain and cramping, but nothing I did seemed to help. He wouldn't let me put him down, and was red in the face with big tears flowing down his cheeds for a good portion of the morning. My poor baby :( You'd never know by his sweet smile in the pictures, but he was not a happy camper.

Tomorrow Scott and I are going to Bed Bath and Beyond to spend some of our wedding gift certificates (yay!) and then to a movie in the evening with some of our friends. Scott's Uncle Shane and Aunt Dena are keeping Deacon for us for a couple of hours, everybody pray that he has a good time and is a happy baby! They're great with him I'm sure he'll be fine, but I still have a hard time leaving him sometimes.

I love the weekend because I get to spend time with my husband and Deacon gets some extra love- including a family snuggle session in the morning before we all get up! :)

While Willow is curled up in my lap and Deacon is snoozing in his swing I figured I should use my free time wisely- blog and pig out on chinese food! For those of you who don't know, I'm a complete sucker for some broccoli chicken and an egg roll. But as Scott found out during my prego days, it can't just be ANY broccoli chicken, it HAS to be the kind with the soy sauce- I won't touch the clear stuff! Haha.


Tonight is movie night with our friends Sam and Tyler, we're watching Law Abiding Citizen- can't wait! Sam would have been my twin had I been initiated as an Alpha Chi last year and we became really close. Tyler is Scott's fraternity brother, they were initiated in the same pledge class. We lost touch over the summer and until about a month ago we really didn't talk at all. While I was pregnant with Deacon, Scott and I lost a lot of our really close friendships with people because we had changed so much that our lifestyles didn't mesh anymore. About six weeks ago Sam sent me a message on facebook apologizing for how she had acted and for letting our friendship disappear, and since then we've become close again :) It's been so nice to catch up with her and Tyler, they too are at a point in their lives now where they don't go out and party all the time and really enjoy having "couple friends". So they're coming over tonight! The last time Scott and I triend to watch Law Abiding Citizen we went to see it in the theater when I was 36 weeks pregnant and ended up having to leave halfway through because I went into labor. We were admitted for two days after that night so we never got to finish the movie! Of course we had to buy it for sentimental reasons, and tonight we'll finally get to see how it all unfolds.


My poor sweet Willow is laying here just absolutely pooped! She has had quite the week as you can see from the picture. Willow and Joi are best buds and they follow each other around all day. Joi loves to stand at the top of the stairs and throw Willow's toys down to the first floor for her to get them- they do this for hours every day! Willow's a big helper too as she is a great distraction for the kids, not to mention a guaranteed snuggle buddy. On Tuesday Willow was ambushed by their two HUGE dogs, you can imagine how panicked I was when I heard her yelping and I couldn't do anything to save her! Willow is like my first born child and everyone who is around us knows it, so naturally I was anything but happy about the incident. I've been assured that it won't happen again, but nonetheless I left Willow home yesterday for a "puppy mental health day" :) All day Joi asked where Willow was, and when I got home Willow was SO happy to see me. Today was great and we didn't have any issues, but when Willow spotted the big black dog through the window and heard his bark she curled up into a ball and peed on the floor. My poor baby is terrified! Over my dead body will those dogs get to her again, but I don't think we're going to have anything to worry about very soon.


Deacon has been a busy boy this week too, I think he's going through a growth-spurt again. The last two days all day long he's been eating every hour to hour and a half, barely giving me time to fill up again before he chows down! I keep telling Scott I'm going to need new boobs when he's done with me. Haha. And those eight hours of sleep I had been getting each night are non-existent, this week he's been up every four hours if not more than that. Twice I've given up and just brought him into our bed because I'm so exhausted from getting up and feeding him. I have to admit that I love having him sleep next to me with that sweet chubby little hand clutching my shirt :) I still don't want him to get in the habit of sleeping with us, it's a nasty one to break as I'm finding out with Joi! Plus our bed is Willow's bed too and I want her to have something that hasn't been taken over by the baby. She always cuddles up with him though, if it wasn't so dark I would take a picture of the two of them totally zonked out!


Another hurdle this week has been Deacon's blowouts- can you say GROSS! The first two months he pooped every time he ate, but recently he's been going two or three days and then having some serious diapers the next. On Tuesday Scott had morning poop duty and almost lost his breakfast over it, and in the afternoon we had to change outfits at the kids house when it went all the way up his back. Today he woke himself up from his nap doing his business, and when I picked him up to change him it fell out the bottom of his pants! Ew! There weren't more than five drops in the diaper, he must've been sitting cockeyed in his bouncer because it went all the way down the side of his leg. In the bath he went, and because the spare outfit I had was way too small we had to borrow clothes from the twins. Thanks boys! My mom told me about this solution of 1/2 dawn dishsoap and 1/2 hydrogen peroxide taking out breastmilk stains, so we'll see if it works on the clothes he's messed up this week. How can such a sweet boy make such a yucky mess?! Can't help but love him :)

Ten for Rebecca.

It's Tuesday again! And boy was it a big one. Today was three years after Rebecca passed away, so this Tuesday I'm going to talk about my ten favorite memories that I have with her :)

1. The Williamsburg trip in eighth grade was just a few days before she was diagnosed with the leukemia that eventually took her life. Becca was so beautiful and had this gorgeous head of hair. She asked me to curl it for her that morning, and every time I see pictures of that trip I remember how much she loved it. We talked about that hair of hers for years after she lost it.



2. Becca was diagnosed just a few days before my 14th birthday, and instead of having a party for me I took it to her hospital room. My mom and I bought balloons, presents, and cupcakes to take to her so that she could celebrate with me. Poor thing was so drugged up from her first round of chemo that she cried the whole time I was there because she didn't have a present for me. Her mom and I always laugh about that day, it's probably my favorite time that I ever visited her at the hospital!



3. Rebecca's birthday that year she was still in the hospital, so Jenny and I got permission from our principal Mrs. Zullig to skip school and surprise her. We woke up early that morning before she was awake and decorated her entire room with posters, streamers, and balloons. My favorite part of the day was when she woke up in the middle of the decorating, but because she couldn't see two feet in front of her face without her glasses she missed me standing on a chair in the middle of the room! We had threatened all the nurses that morning to stay out of her room so we could finish, but I guess one of them missed the memo :)

4. After Becca went into remission the summer after she started treatment, she had lost all of her hair and wore hats and scarves everywhere. Because my mom was a nurse and knew how to care for her port and give her meds, Becca was allowed to come to the pool with me and spend the night. We went to the pool that afternoon and she strutted her stuff in her cute little tankini, and then that night we watched The Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood. While we watched the movie she took her hat off- the first time she had ever done it around anyone other than her family. After that night we were YaYa's for life!



5. Yet another birthday! My mom and Rebecca planned a surprise party for my 15th birthday, all of my friends were waiting for me at my house when I got home from babysitting. After I got in and the shock started to settle in, out popped Becca from the coat closet! I thought she was still in the hospital, but she was such a sweetheart and convinced her doctors to let her out early just for my birthday.



6. Last birthday, I promise :) Becca's sweet sixteen was such a special day that we made it into a weekend! Her mom and our friend Shea scooped Becca up for a weekend at the beach, but little did she know that a whole group of us would be waiting there for her. You should've seen her face as she went from room to room in the gorgeous beach house and found more of her friends in every room. We spent two days there playing on the beach, having late-night talks, and enjoying a nice dinner and night on the town to celebrate her birthday. The best part of the weekend was when her donor Ben, his wife Shannon, and their daughter Josey came to surprise Becca. She wasn 't supposed to be able to meet him for another two years, but after pulling some strings her parents were able to bring them to North Carolina so Becca could meet the man who had saved her life. She felt like a princess all weekend, I don't know that I saw her happier than those few special days :)



7. Junior/Senior our Junior year was a big deal to Rebecca. We had dreamed of going for years, because our school didn't have dances or formals of any kind until you were a junior. Becca's big concern was whether or not she was going to get a date, because the only boy she had ever truly liked didn't live in Raleigh anymore. Zach is such a sweetie and has always had a soft spot for Becca, so when I told him about her wish he jumped at the opportunity and asked if he could be her date. She looked SO beautiful! And she gushed and gushed about that night and the sweet kiss Zach planted on her forehead until the very end :)



8. Unfortunately Rebecca relapsed again, but this time the cancer came back with a vengeance. She also suffered the effects of GVH (graft vs host) and was forced to use a wheelchair and cane to get around. One weekend the summer before she died I kidnapped her for a "date" and we went to a movie and then for ice cream- wheelchair and all! It was so fun just to have a girls night and for Becca to get to do something normal after being stuck at home for so long. I wish I would have been able to have more "date nights" with her before she died, but I love remembering the one we had. I'll always think of her when I'm standing in line waiting for my popcorn!

9. Not only did Becca and I like to celebrate birthdays together, but we liked to go to the beach too! That same summer Becca, her mom Emmaline, her sister Vinson, and I went to the beach for a girls weekend. It was such a relaxing time, and one of the last I remember Becca really laughing and enjoying herself without the complication of medicines, poles, and oxygen. We went to dinner, layed on the sand, and stayed up having our special late night girl talks that we loved. Whenever I think about Becca being in heaven, she's always dancing along the shore, laughing with that beautiful hair of hers blowing in the wind. I let her drive my car to Wal-Mart to get some groceries, and let me tell you she was a FIREBALL behind the wheel! Any time another car would get within five feet of us she would toot the horn and yell "hey!". I truly think Lola (my car) got all of her personality from those ten minutes Becca was in the drivers seat.



10. My last memory of Rebecca is the morning that she died. Her dream was to graduate from high school, but when her health took a turn for the worse in February of our senior year our class decided to have an honorary graduation ceremony just for her. We all put on our caps and gowns, a program was prepared, and parents and loved ones piled into the Fine Arts Center just for Rebecca. That morning my good friend Shea and I went to Becca's house to help her get ready for her big day. When we got there she looked so fragile and weak that we were unsure if she would even be able to make it. But we did her hair, her make-up, and got her to the school for the most moving graduation ceremony I've ever been to. My parents arranged for Ben and Shannon to be there, and without a dry eye in the room Rebecca was given her diploma :) I wish more than anything that I could've gotten a picture with her in my cap and gown, but she was so weak afterward that they rushed her out and back to her bed. My mom was able to talk to her on their way out, she gave her a hug and told her how excited she was for her- but all Becca said was "I want to go home". That night, peacefully in her sleep, she did.



Rebecca's death is not something that I've dealt with very well. From the day we found out that the leukemia would take her life until after her funeral was over I didn't shed a tear. After having a good cry the night of her funeral, it wasn't until last year on the two year anniversary of her death that I let myself really cry about her again. I have been so angry with God for taking her away from me, for years I didn't let myself heal at all because I didn't believe that she was supposed to die. I trusted for four years that God wouldn't let her die, and when He let me down I completely shut Him out. Today last year I had a complete breakdown after reading her testimony in an old NRCA newsletter, poor Scott had to hold me while I sobbed and sobbed. Several times during my pregnancy I broke down in tears because I wished more than anything that she could be here to meet Scott and share my excitement about my new baby boy. I thought that today would be hard for me again, but this morning I realized that I am finally letting myself be at peace with Rebecca's death. Even though I desperately wish that she could be here to see Deacon's smiles and hold his chubby little hands, I know she is looking down and enjoying these precious moments right along with us. Deacon has helped me to heal in so many ways, and I know that Rebecca will always be watching over him as his guardian angel.

Miss you every day Becca. Dance one for me :)

Deacon is three months old today!

My boy is getting so big! This weekend we were very busy buying him new clothes, bigger diapers, and a new toy for him to play with. I have a new favorite store to buy him clothes from, it's called Crazy8 and it's a brand of Gymboree. Kind of like Gap and Old Navy I think, but they have the most adorable little outfits. I told Deacon that if he ever has a sister we're going to be in big trouble in that store, we had a hard enough time narrowing down what to buy for him.


Deacon had his first shower this weekend! He was up early on Saturday morning and was in one of those don't you dare put me down moods, so I scooped him up and brought him in with me! Of course he loved it, I swear the child could be a fish. This summer will be fun with the pool :) Today we all went to see Valentine's Day, but we will most definitely be leaving him with someone else the next time we go. A month ago we took him with us and he slept the whole time, only waking up to eat for a few minutes. Totally different story today! Not even five minutes into the movie he was crying and I had to walk out with him, but once I got him calmed down he of course wouldn't let me sit back down. So I stood in the exit hallway and rocked back and forth with him almost the whole movie! At least I still got to watch it, but he's going to have to stay home next time. Haha.


Willow had a good weekend too, we went to PetSmart this morning and got her nails ground down and bought her a bunch of new toys. She has completely destroyed all the ones we've bought her up to this point, and it was time for some new ones. I've always let Willow pick her own toys out, and for some reason they're always stuffed, squeaky, and look like an animal! Today we walked out with a pig, chick, bear, and frog- but she's had a blast!

I hope this week goes more smoothly than last week did, I was exhausted by friday! Poor sweet Jayden had to go to the doctor on Friday and needed antibiotics for a mild ear infection. I'm sure he's feeling better by now, but I have no doubt that he's been spoiled all weekend! Could make for a long Monday.

Tomorrow is the three year anniversary of Rebecca's death. It will be a very hard day for me, it always is, but please keep her family in your prayers. Now that I have a baby of my own I could not imagine what it would be like to lose him. Right now I have a lot left to do before I go to bed, so I'm not even going to let myself be sad yet- tomorrow, however, could be a very different story.

Ace of Cakes

What a LOOONG day! Deacon didn't sleep well last night so I woke up absolutely exhausted. And we're switching the twins' formula, which is always lovely! They're cranky, clingy, and pooping everywhere. Three blowouts today! I was two seconds away from gagging, and you know that's bad- I worked on the GI floor for a year and a half and that never once happened to me! I'm hoping tomorrow will be better, I thought today would never end.

Our picture today is of Willow getting some love from Joi- love it! I have the funniest video of the two of them playing tug-of-war, every time Joi shakes the toy she shakes her butt at the same time. Precious. Joi thinks she is the little mama, and has to do everything that I do. She has twin baby dolls named Joel and Sarah, and they have tummy time with the babies, she rocks them to sleep, and when I feed Deacon they get shoved under her shirt. HAHA! As everyone knows I LOVE me some Willow, and I frequently grab her by the head and kiss her square on the mouth. It's no secret where Joi learned to kiss her like that :)

We're watching Ace of Cakes right now (well I am, Scott just dozed off!) and I've decided that I want Duff to make my birthday cake this year. In the shape of Willow of course, and she needs to pop out of it! I can dream, right?

"A-goooo!"

Deacon has changed so much in the last week it's almost unreal! Every morning when I go get him out of his crib I feel like he is absolutely huge. The fact that he is bigger than Jaxon and Jayden probably isn't helping! He is going to be 3 months on Sunday, I can't believe how fast the time has flown by. Deacon is already in 6 month clothing, and though I'm having trouble bringing myself to do it he really needs to move up a size in diapers. He still loves bathtime, and I soak up all those rolls, soft skin, and sweet baby chunk!

I love all the new stages he is coming to, the smiles and giggles absolutely melt me- but I hate how fast it's all going! Scott tells me all the time "he's SUPPOSED to get big!" but I'm having a hard time accepting it. I will admit, however, that I adore our conversations filled with "ohh", "a-gooo", and "a-geee"- he will sit and talk for an hour if you will let him! My family back home loves to Skype with him and hear all that he has to say about his day. Being around Joi, Jaxon, and Jayden has really helped him develop, now he thinks he needs to sit and stand up like a big boy, and when they're playing on the floor he likes to be right in the middle of the action. Deacon's going to be an early walker, I can already tell!

Yesterday he rolled over for the first time. Just up and flipped from his stomach to his back like he had done it a hundred times! Of course when I tried to tape it he wouldn't cooperate, but I guess I should get used to that haha. This week I feel like his hands have CONSTANTLY been in his mouth. Until today I have been thinking that he just realized that he actually has hands, but all afternoon I kept catching him rolling his tongue around in his mouth and licking his lips. He found his TONGUE! He's just had his hands in his face to feel it out. Goofball.

I cherish every moment I have with my little man, I am so blessed that I have a job that lets me be with him all day long. And more than that, I'm very grateful for a loving husband who backs me up and supports my decision to love on our son for as long as I possibly can :)