This weekend was all around wonderful! We took Willow to the dog park, got some really nice things for our house, went on a date with some of our friends, Deacon had a great time with Aunt D and Uncle Shane, and we took some serious afternoon naps! After the three year anniversary of Rebecca's death, my old Bible teacher Mr Kowalke (the fantastic man who married Scott and I!) sent me her testimony that she wrote our sophomore year in high school. I thought I would share it with you all, it is something she wanted to touch many people even after she was no longer here to share it herself. I hope it inspires you as much as it does me!
"Then the word of the Lord came to me, saying: 'Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; Before you were born, I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.' Then said I: 'Ah, Lord God! Behold, I cannot speak, for I am a youth.' But the Lord said to me: 'Do not say "I am a youth," For you shall go to all to whom I send you, and whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of their faces, for I am with you to deliver you,' says the Lord. Then the Lord put forth His hand and touched my mouth, and the Lord said to me: 'Behold, I have put My words into your mouth. See, I have this day set you over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out and to pull down, To destroy and to throw down, to build and to plant.'" -Jeremiah 1:4-10
My life is not perfect. It never has been, and it never will be. I sin, I mess up. Because of my sin, I have trouble walking with God. I struggle, and I fight to do things on my own. I know in my heart of hearts that I cannot do it alone, yet I try my hardest, not wanting to admit that I just cannot in any possible way or form be my own person and do my own things while still doing it right.
When I was diagnosed with cancer, I had a wake up call. I knew that there was no way that, on my own strength and determination, I could get through the treatment and survive. It is impossible, and the doctors will tell you that the statistics were not good. No one believed me when I said that I was fine. When I said I was not angry or upset, everyone doubted me- like I do not know my own heart. "You're in denial." "You have to feel something." Sure, I felt something. I was upset at the devil; I was upset with the world for being full of sin and disease; but life is not about being upset or mad or frustrated. Life is about pressing through the hard times and growing in your faith through those times, all the while rejoicing and giving thanks for the good things that you do have. Giving up is not an option- at least not for me.
Two years ago, on March eleventh, I was given a huge sucker punch in the stomach, so to speak. I cried and I was disappointed in the fact that life was never going to be the same. My God and my faith, however, carried me through. I came to a hard valley in my life, but He picked me up and carried me in His loving arms when I could walk no longer. I quickly came to realize that there was more to this than meets the eye. Raised in a Christian home, surrounded by high moral standards and expectations, I do not have an amazing conversion experience. I remember asking Christ to be Lord of my lilfe at a young age, but until about four years ago, it was just second nature. I can see now, looking back, that God was preparing me for this time in my life. Slowly, I began to realize that I needed Him more than I knew, and when I was diagnosed, I knew that He and He alone would pull me through.
I will not deny that the question, "Why?" passed through my head a few times, but then I realized that it does not matter why. There is sin, disease, and yes, heaven forbid, death, in this world, and I happen to be one of the people affected by the disease part of that. It becomes part of your life, and I learned to deal with it. One night, while sitting in my hospital room with beeping machines and the lights turned low, I turned to this verse in Jeremiah. "What do I say, Father, when people ask me about this? I am so unsure and I do not always know what to say even though, in my heart, I know how it feels." My child, I will speak for you. Do not be afraid because I will deliver you. I will give you words, and I will set you over nations and kingdoms to 'root out and to pull down, to destroy and to throw down, to build and to plant.' I will use you, and you will be great because you are mine.
"And Mary said, 'My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior. For He has regarded the lowly state of his maidservant; For behold, henceforth all generations will call me blessed. For He who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is His name. And His mercy is on those who fear Him from generation to generation. He has shown strength with His arm; He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts. He has put down the mighty from their thrones, and exalted the lowly. He has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich He has sent away empty. He has helped His servant Israel, in remembrance of His mercy, As He spoke to our fathers, to Abraham and to his seed forever.'" -Luke 1:46-55
I am a child of God. Nothing- not sin, disease, death, even Satan himself, can take that from me. As His child, I am forever blessed in mind, soul, heart, and body. However, I am promised in His word, that, when I glorify His name alone, I will be blessed, and all generations will know. My Father has given me His blessing, His love, His power alone, and it matters not what man or devil does to me- to my heart, to my body, to my soul.
I am His, and, "A thousand may fall at my side, and ten thousand at my right hand; but it shall not come near me... because I have made the Lord, who is my refuge, even the Most High, my dwelling place, No evil shall befall me, nor shall any plague come near my dwelling; for He shall give His angels charge over me, to keep me in all my ways. In their hands, they shall bear me up, Lest I dash my foot against a stone... Because I have set my love upon Him, therefore He will deliver me; He will set me on high, because I have known His name. I will call upon Him, and He will answer me; He will be with me in trouble; He will deliver me and honor me. With long life, He will satisfy me, and show me His salvation." (Psalm 91:7-16; paraphrase).
Life is not about just the good times. My Father does not want me to suffer, but because of my sin, I do, and He allows it. Sometimes, yes, it is hard, and I feel like giving up. Then, however, I turn to His words of promise and assurance. You are mine. I will give you strength. Trust me, and Me alone, and it will be OK. I know it is hard. I have been there to worse, and back again. I suffered for you already, and I defeated it so you would not have to. I love you, and I will get you through no matter what. You will even be a better person because of it. Just trust Me that I have it taken care of. I took care of it 2000 yeras ago, and you do not have to worry about it because 'it is finished.' Rest in my arms, Rebecca. I will carry you, and we will get through this together because you are Mine alone.
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