Rebecca's Testimony

This weekend was all around wonderful! We took Willow to the dog park, got some really nice things for our house, went on a date with some of our friends, Deacon had a great time with Aunt D and Uncle Shane, and we took some serious afternoon naps! After the three year anniversary of Rebecca's death, my old Bible teacher Mr Kowalke (the fantastic man who married Scott and I!) sent me her testimony that she wrote our sophomore year in high school. I thought I would share it with you all, it is something she wanted to touch many people even after she was no longer here to share it herself. I hope it inspires you as much as it does me!

"Then the word of the Lord came to me, saying: 'Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; Before you were born, I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.' Then said I: 'Ah, Lord God! Behold, I cannot speak, for I am a youth.' But the Lord said to me: 'Do not say "I am a youth," For you shall go to all to whom I send you, and whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of their faces, for I am with you to deliver you,' says the Lord. Then the Lord put forth His hand and touched my mouth, and the Lord said to me: 'Behold, I have put My words into your mouth. See, I have this day set you over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out and to pull down, To destroy and to throw down, to build and to plant.'" -Jeremiah 1:4-10

My life is not perfect. It never has been, and it never will be. I sin, I mess up. Because of my sin, I have trouble walking with God. I struggle, and I fight to do things on my own. I know in my heart of hearts that I cannot do it alone, yet I try my hardest, not wanting to admit that I just cannot in any possible way or form be my own person and do my own things while still doing it right.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I had a wake up call. I knew that there was no way that, on my own strength and determination, I could get through the treatment and survive. It is impossible, and the doctors will tell you that the statistics were not good. No one believed me when I said that I was fine. When I said I was not angry or upset, everyone doubted me- like I do not know my own heart. "You're in denial." "You have to feel something." Sure, I felt something. I was upset at the devil; I was upset with the world for being full of sin and disease; but life is not about being upset or mad or frustrated. Life is about pressing through the hard times and growing in your faith through those times, all the while rejoicing and giving thanks for the good things that you do have. Giving up is not an option- at least not for me.

Two years ago, on March eleventh, I was given a huge sucker punch in the stomach, so to speak. I cried and I was disappointed in the fact that life was never going to be the same. My God and my faith, however, carried me through. I came to a hard valley in my life, but He picked me up and carried me in His loving arms when I could walk no longer. I quickly came to realize that there was more to this than meets the eye. Raised in a Christian home, surrounded by high moral standards and expectations, I do not have an amazing conversion experience. I remember asking Christ to be Lord of my lilfe at a young age, but until about four years ago, it was just second nature. I can see now, looking back, that God was preparing me for this time in my life. Slowly, I began to realize that I needed Him more than I knew, and when I was diagnosed, I knew that He and He alone would pull me through.

I will not deny that the question, "Why?" passed through my head a few times, but then I realized that it does not matter why. There is sin, disease, and yes, heaven forbid, death, in this world, and I happen to be one of the people affected by the disease part of that. It becomes part of your life, and I learned to deal with it. One night, while sitting in my hospital room with beeping machines and the lights turned low, I turned to this verse in Jeremiah. "What do I say, Father, when people ask me about this? I am so unsure and I do not always know what to say even though, in my heart, I know how it feels." My child, I will speak for you. Do not be afraid because I will deliver you. I will give you words, and I will set you over nations and kingdoms to 'root out and to pull down, to destroy and to throw down, to build and to plant.' I will use you, and you will be great because you are mine.

"And Mary said, 'My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior. For He has regarded the lowly state of his maidservant; For behold, henceforth all generations will call me blessed. For He who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is His name. And His mercy is on those who fear Him from generation to generation. He has shown strength with His arm; He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts. He has put down the mighty from their thrones, and exalted the lowly. He has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich He has sent away empty. He has helped His servant Israel, in remembrance of His mercy, As He spoke to our fathers, to Abraham and to his seed forever.'" -Luke 1:46-55

I am a child of God. Nothing- not sin, disease, death, even Satan himself, can take that from me. As His child, I am forever blessed in mind, soul, heart, and body. However, I am promised in His word, that, when I glorify His name alone, I will be blessed, and all generations will know. My Father has given me His blessing, His love, His power alone, and it matters not what man or devil does to me- to my heart, to my body, to my soul.

I am His, and, "A thousand may fall at my side, and ten thousand at my right hand; but it shall not come near me... because I have made the Lord, who is my refuge, even the Most High, my dwelling place, No evil shall befall me, nor shall any plague come near my dwelling; for He shall give His angels charge over me, to keep me in all my ways. In their hands, they shall bear me up, Lest I dash my foot against a stone... Because I have set my love upon Him, therefore He will deliver me; He will set me on high, because I have known His name. I will call upon Him, and He will answer me; He will be with me in trouble; He will deliver me and honor me. With long life, He will satisfy me, and show me His salvation." (Psalm 91:7-16; paraphrase).

Life is not about just the good times. My Father does not want me to suffer, but because of my sin, I do, and He allows it. Sometimes, yes, it is hard, and I feel like giving up. Then, however, I turn to His words of promise and assurance. You are mine. I will give you strength. Trust me, and Me alone, and it will be OK. I know it is hard. I have been there to worse, and back again. I suffered for you already, and I defeated it so you would not have to. I love you, and I will get you through no matter what. You will even be a better person because of it. Just trust Me that I have it taken care of. I took care of it 2000 yeras ago, and you do not have to worry about it because 'it is finished.' Rest in my arms, Rebecca. I will carry you, and we will get through this together because you are Mine alone.

Happy Friday!

So glad it's the weekend, it's been quite a week. Today seemed extra long, Deacon had a hard morning and really didn't settle down until around two this afternoon. For some reason he was having really bad gas pain and cramping, but nothing I did seemed to help. He wouldn't let me put him down, and was red in the face with big tears flowing down his cheeds for a good portion of the morning. My poor baby :( You'd never know by his sweet smile in the pictures, but he was not a happy camper.

Tomorrow Scott and I are going to Bed Bath and Beyond to spend some of our wedding gift certificates (yay!) and then to a movie in the evening with some of our friends. Scott's Uncle Shane and Aunt Dena are keeping Deacon for us for a couple of hours, everybody pray that he has a good time and is a happy baby! They're great with him I'm sure he'll be fine, but I still have a hard time leaving him sometimes.

I love the weekend because I get to spend time with my husband and Deacon gets some extra love- including a family snuggle session in the morning before we all get up! :)

While Willow is curled up in my lap and Deacon is snoozing in his swing I figured I should use my free time wisely- blog and pig out on chinese food! For those of you who don't know, I'm a complete sucker for some broccoli chicken and an egg roll. But as Scott found out during my prego days, it can't just be ANY broccoli chicken, it HAS to be the kind with the soy sauce- I won't touch the clear stuff! Haha.


Tonight is movie night with our friends Sam and Tyler, we're watching Law Abiding Citizen- can't wait! Sam would have been my twin had I been initiated as an Alpha Chi last year and we became really close. Tyler is Scott's fraternity brother, they were initiated in the same pledge class. We lost touch over the summer and until about a month ago we really didn't talk at all. While I was pregnant with Deacon, Scott and I lost a lot of our really close friendships with people because we had changed so much that our lifestyles didn't mesh anymore. About six weeks ago Sam sent me a message on facebook apologizing for how she had acted and for letting our friendship disappear, and since then we've become close again :) It's been so nice to catch up with her and Tyler, they too are at a point in their lives now where they don't go out and party all the time and really enjoy having "couple friends". So they're coming over tonight! The last time Scott and I triend to watch Law Abiding Citizen we went to see it in the theater when I was 36 weeks pregnant and ended up having to leave halfway through because I went into labor. We were admitted for two days after that night so we never got to finish the movie! Of course we had to buy it for sentimental reasons, and tonight we'll finally get to see how it all unfolds.


My poor sweet Willow is laying here just absolutely pooped! She has had quite the week as you can see from the picture. Willow and Joi are best buds and they follow each other around all day. Joi loves to stand at the top of the stairs and throw Willow's toys down to the first floor for her to get them- they do this for hours every day! Willow's a big helper too as she is a great distraction for the kids, not to mention a guaranteed snuggle buddy. On Tuesday Willow was ambushed by their two HUGE dogs, you can imagine how panicked I was when I heard her yelping and I couldn't do anything to save her! Willow is like my first born child and everyone who is around us knows it, so naturally I was anything but happy about the incident. I've been assured that it won't happen again, but nonetheless I left Willow home yesterday for a "puppy mental health day" :) All day Joi asked where Willow was, and when I got home Willow was SO happy to see me. Today was great and we didn't have any issues, but when Willow spotted the big black dog through the window and heard his bark she curled up into a ball and peed on the floor. My poor baby is terrified! Over my dead body will those dogs get to her again, but I don't think we're going to have anything to worry about very soon.


Deacon has been a busy boy this week too, I think he's going through a growth-spurt again. The last two days all day long he's been eating every hour to hour and a half, barely giving me time to fill up again before he chows down! I keep telling Scott I'm going to need new boobs when he's done with me. Haha. And those eight hours of sleep I had been getting each night are non-existent, this week he's been up every four hours if not more than that. Twice I've given up and just brought him into our bed because I'm so exhausted from getting up and feeding him. I have to admit that I love having him sleep next to me with that sweet chubby little hand clutching my shirt :) I still don't want him to get in the habit of sleeping with us, it's a nasty one to break as I'm finding out with Joi! Plus our bed is Willow's bed too and I want her to have something that hasn't been taken over by the baby. She always cuddles up with him though, if it wasn't so dark I would take a picture of the two of them totally zonked out!


Another hurdle this week has been Deacon's blowouts- can you say GROSS! The first two months he pooped every time he ate, but recently he's been going two or three days and then having some serious diapers the next. On Tuesday Scott had morning poop duty and almost lost his breakfast over it, and in the afternoon we had to change outfits at the kids house when it went all the way up his back. Today he woke himself up from his nap doing his business, and when I picked him up to change him it fell out the bottom of his pants! Ew! There weren't more than five drops in the diaper, he must've been sitting cockeyed in his bouncer because it went all the way down the side of his leg. In the bath he went, and because the spare outfit I had was way too small we had to borrow clothes from the twins. Thanks boys! My mom told me about this solution of 1/2 dawn dishsoap and 1/2 hydrogen peroxide taking out breastmilk stains, so we'll see if it works on the clothes he's messed up this week. How can such a sweet boy make such a yucky mess?! Can't help but love him :)

Ten for Rebecca.

It's Tuesday again! And boy was it a big one. Today was three years after Rebecca passed away, so this Tuesday I'm going to talk about my ten favorite memories that I have with her :)

1. The Williamsburg trip in eighth grade was just a few days before she was diagnosed with the leukemia that eventually took her life. Becca was so beautiful and had this gorgeous head of hair. She asked me to curl it for her that morning, and every time I see pictures of that trip I remember how much she loved it. We talked about that hair of hers for years after she lost it.



2. Becca was diagnosed just a few days before my 14th birthday, and instead of having a party for me I took it to her hospital room. My mom and I bought balloons, presents, and cupcakes to take to her so that she could celebrate with me. Poor thing was so drugged up from her first round of chemo that she cried the whole time I was there because she didn't have a present for me. Her mom and I always laugh about that day, it's probably my favorite time that I ever visited her at the hospital!



3. Rebecca's birthday that year she was still in the hospital, so Jenny and I got permission from our principal Mrs. Zullig to skip school and surprise her. We woke up early that morning before she was awake and decorated her entire room with posters, streamers, and balloons. My favorite part of the day was when she woke up in the middle of the decorating, but because she couldn't see two feet in front of her face without her glasses she missed me standing on a chair in the middle of the room! We had threatened all the nurses that morning to stay out of her room so we could finish, but I guess one of them missed the memo :)

4. After Becca went into remission the summer after she started treatment, she had lost all of her hair and wore hats and scarves everywhere. Because my mom was a nurse and knew how to care for her port and give her meds, Becca was allowed to come to the pool with me and spend the night. We went to the pool that afternoon and she strutted her stuff in her cute little tankini, and then that night we watched The Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood. While we watched the movie she took her hat off- the first time she had ever done it around anyone other than her family. After that night we were YaYa's for life!



5. Yet another birthday! My mom and Rebecca planned a surprise party for my 15th birthday, all of my friends were waiting for me at my house when I got home from babysitting. After I got in and the shock started to settle in, out popped Becca from the coat closet! I thought she was still in the hospital, but she was such a sweetheart and convinced her doctors to let her out early just for my birthday.



6. Last birthday, I promise :) Becca's sweet sixteen was such a special day that we made it into a weekend! Her mom and our friend Shea scooped Becca up for a weekend at the beach, but little did she know that a whole group of us would be waiting there for her. You should've seen her face as she went from room to room in the gorgeous beach house and found more of her friends in every room. We spent two days there playing on the beach, having late-night talks, and enjoying a nice dinner and night on the town to celebrate her birthday. The best part of the weekend was when her donor Ben, his wife Shannon, and their daughter Josey came to surprise Becca. She wasn 't supposed to be able to meet him for another two years, but after pulling some strings her parents were able to bring them to North Carolina so Becca could meet the man who had saved her life. She felt like a princess all weekend, I don't know that I saw her happier than those few special days :)



7. Junior/Senior our Junior year was a big deal to Rebecca. We had dreamed of going for years, because our school didn't have dances or formals of any kind until you were a junior. Becca's big concern was whether or not she was going to get a date, because the only boy she had ever truly liked didn't live in Raleigh anymore. Zach is such a sweetie and has always had a soft spot for Becca, so when I told him about her wish he jumped at the opportunity and asked if he could be her date. She looked SO beautiful! And she gushed and gushed about that night and the sweet kiss Zach planted on her forehead until the very end :)



8. Unfortunately Rebecca relapsed again, but this time the cancer came back with a vengeance. She also suffered the effects of GVH (graft vs host) and was forced to use a wheelchair and cane to get around. One weekend the summer before she died I kidnapped her for a "date" and we went to a movie and then for ice cream- wheelchair and all! It was so fun just to have a girls night and for Becca to get to do something normal after being stuck at home for so long. I wish I would have been able to have more "date nights" with her before she died, but I love remembering the one we had. I'll always think of her when I'm standing in line waiting for my popcorn!

9. Not only did Becca and I like to celebrate birthdays together, but we liked to go to the beach too! That same summer Becca, her mom Emmaline, her sister Vinson, and I went to the beach for a girls weekend. It was such a relaxing time, and one of the last I remember Becca really laughing and enjoying herself without the complication of medicines, poles, and oxygen. We went to dinner, layed on the sand, and stayed up having our special late night girl talks that we loved. Whenever I think about Becca being in heaven, she's always dancing along the shore, laughing with that beautiful hair of hers blowing in the wind. I let her drive my car to Wal-Mart to get some groceries, and let me tell you she was a FIREBALL behind the wheel! Any time another car would get within five feet of us she would toot the horn and yell "hey!". I truly think Lola (my car) got all of her personality from those ten minutes Becca was in the drivers seat.



10. My last memory of Rebecca is the morning that she died. Her dream was to graduate from high school, but when her health took a turn for the worse in February of our senior year our class decided to have an honorary graduation ceremony just for her. We all put on our caps and gowns, a program was prepared, and parents and loved ones piled into the Fine Arts Center just for Rebecca. That morning my good friend Shea and I went to Becca's house to help her get ready for her big day. When we got there she looked so fragile and weak that we were unsure if she would even be able to make it. But we did her hair, her make-up, and got her to the school for the most moving graduation ceremony I've ever been to. My parents arranged for Ben and Shannon to be there, and without a dry eye in the room Rebecca was given her diploma :) I wish more than anything that I could've gotten a picture with her in my cap and gown, but she was so weak afterward that they rushed her out and back to her bed. My mom was able to talk to her on their way out, she gave her a hug and told her how excited she was for her- but all Becca said was "I want to go home". That night, peacefully in her sleep, she did.



Rebecca's death is not something that I've dealt with very well. From the day we found out that the leukemia would take her life until after her funeral was over I didn't shed a tear. After having a good cry the night of her funeral, it wasn't until last year on the two year anniversary of her death that I let myself really cry about her again. I have been so angry with God for taking her away from me, for years I didn't let myself heal at all because I didn't believe that she was supposed to die. I trusted for four years that God wouldn't let her die, and when He let me down I completely shut Him out. Today last year I had a complete breakdown after reading her testimony in an old NRCA newsletter, poor Scott had to hold me while I sobbed and sobbed. Several times during my pregnancy I broke down in tears because I wished more than anything that she could be here to meet Scott and share my excitement about my new baby boy. I thought that today would be hard for me again, but this morning I realized that I am finally letting myself be at peace with Rebecca's death. Even though I desperately wish that she could be here to see Deacon's smiles and hold his chubby little hands, I know she is looking down and enjoying these precious moments right along with us. Deacon has helped me to heal in so many ways, and I know that Rebecca will always be watching over him as his guardian angel.

Miss you every day Becca. Dance one for me :)

Deacon is three months old today!

My boy is getting so big! This weekend we were very busy buying him new clothes, bigger diapers, and a new toy for him to play with. I have a new favorite store to buy him clothes from, it's called Crazy8 and it's a brand of Gymboree. Kind of like Gap and Old Navy I think, but they have the most adorable little outfits. I told Deacon that if he ever has a sister we're going to be in big trouble in that store, we had a hard enough time narrowing down what to buy for him.


Deacon had his first shower this weekend! He was up early on Saturday morning and was in one of those don't you dare put me down moods, so I scooped him up and brought him in with me! Of course he loved it, I swear the child could be a fish. This summer will be fun with the pool :) Today we all went to see Valentine's Day, but we will most definitely be leaving him with someone else the next time we go. A month ago we took him with us and he slept the whole time, only waking up to eat for a few minutes. Totally different story today! Not even five minutes into the movie he was crying and I had to walk out with him, but once I got him calmed down he of course wouldn't let me sit back down. So I stood in the exit hallway and rocked back and forth with him almost the whole movie! At least I still got to watch it, but he's going to have to stay home next time. Haha.


Willow had a good weekend too, we went to PetSmart this morning and got her nails ground down and bought her a bunch of new toys. She has completely destroyed all the ones we've bought her up to this point, and it was time for some new ones. I've always let Willow pick her own toys out, and for some reason they're always stuffed, squeaky, and look like an animal! Today we walked out with a pig, chick, bear, and frog- but she's had a blast!

I hope this week goes more smoothly than last week did, I was exhausted by friday! Poor sweet Jayden had to go to the doctor on Friday and needed antibiotics for a mild ear infection. I'm sure he's feeling better by now, but I have no doubt that he's been spoiled all weekend! Could make for a long Monday.

Tomorrow is the three year anniversary of Rebecca's death. It will be a very hard day for me, it always is, but please keep her family in your prayers. Now that I have a baby of my own I could not imagine what it would be like to lose him. Right now I have a lot left to do before I go to bed, so I'm not even going to let myself be sad yet- tomorrow, however, could be a very different story.

Ace of Cakes

What a LOOONG day! Deacon didn't sleep well last night so I woke up absolutely exhausted. And we're switching the twins' formula, which is always lovely! They're cranky, clingy, and pooping everywhere. Three blowouts today! I was two seconds away from gagging, and you know that's bad- I worked on the GI floor for a year and a half and that never once happened to me! I'm hoping tomorrow will be better, I thought today would never end.

Our picture today is of Willow getting some love from Joi- love it! I have the funniest video of the two of them playing tug-of-war, every time Joi shakes the toy she shakes her butt at the same time. Precious. Joi thinks she is the little mama, and has to do everything that I do. She has twin baby dolls named Joel and Sarah, and they have tummy time with the babies, she rocks them to sleep, and when I feed Deacon they get shoved under her shirt. HAHA! As everyone knows I LOVE me some Willow, and I frequently grab her by the head and kiss her square on the mouth. It's no secret where Joi learned to kiss her like that :)

We're watching Ace of Cakes right now (well I am, Scott just dozed off!) and I've decided that I want Duff to make my birthday cake this year. In the shape of Willow of course, and she needs to pop out of it! I can dream, right?

"A-goooo!"

Deacon has changed so much in the last week it's almost unreal! Every morning when I go get him out of his crib I feel like he is absolutely huge. The fact that he is bigger than Jaxon and Jayden probably isn't helping! He is going to be 3 months on Sunday, I can't believe how fast the time has flown by. Deacon is already in 6 month clothing, and though I'm having trouble bringing myself to do it he really needs to move up a size in diapers. He still loves bathtime, and I soak up all those rolls, soft skin, and sweet baby chunk!

I love all the new stages he is coming to, the smiles and giggles absolutely melt me- but I hate how fast it's all going! Scott tells me all the time "he's SUPPOSED to get big!" but I'm having a hard time accepting it. I will admit, however, that I adore our conversations filled with "ohh", "a-gooo", and "a-geee"- he will sit and talk for an hour if you will let him! My family back home loves to Skype with him and hear all that he has to say about his day. Being around Joi, Jaxon, and Jayden has really helped him develop, now he thinks he needs to sit and stand up like a big boy, and when they're playing on the floor he likes to be right in the middle of the action. Deacon's going to be an early walker, I can already tell!

Yesterday he rolled over for the first time. Just up and flipped from his stomach to his back like he had done it a hundred times! Of course when I tried to tape it he wouldn't cooperate, but I guess I should get used to that haha. This week I feel like his hands have CONSTANTLY been in his mouth. Until today I have been thinking that he just realized that he actually has hands, but all afternoon I kept catching him rolling his tongue around in his mouth and licking his lips. He found his TONGUE! He's just had his hands in his face to feel it out. Goofball.

I cherish every moment I have with my little man, I am so blessed that I have a job that lets me be with him all day long. And more than that, I'm very grateful for a loving husband who backs me up and supports my decision to love on our son for as long as I possibly can :)

Ten Things Tuesdays

One of my favorite blogs to read is Casey Chappell's, she always has so much insight and her journey these last couple of years is so inspirational. She is the wife of one of my high school teachers, and they just recently moved to Texas only a short distance from where we live! Hopefully we will get together with them soon, I think we are going to take them up on their offer to go to church with them in the next couple of Sundays :) On her blog she has 10 Thing Tuesdays where she writes down 10 things she is thankful for, or thinking about, or experiencing- and I think I'm going to start doing the same!

1. I cannot wait for Scott to be done with school! He graduates next December, and after that our journey is very open-ended. He wants to eventually become the GM of a major league sports team, but where we need to go to help him fulfill his dream is unknown. We have both agreed that if we can it would be nice to move away from Texas, to start our own life somewhere on our own two feet. I would LOVE to move back to North Carolina, but that would kind of defeat the purpose of getting out on our own. I'm still crossing my fingers though! Once Scott is done I will get to go back to school, I'm sitting out for the next couple of semesters so that I can love on my little man and so that when I do go back I won't have to work and study at the same time. Hurry up December!

2. My favorite part of the day is early in the morning with my little bear. So many people complain about getting up in the middle of the night with their baby, but even though I am tired I love those special quiet moments where it's just me and Deac in the dark.

3. Tomorrow I need to start my thank you notes for everyone who showered us with gifts and money from the wedding. We are so grateful to each and every one of those people! Scott and I are going to be able to start our marriage debt-free, between the wedding money, taxes, and his bonus all of our credit cards and medical bills from Deacon's birth will be paid off :)

4. Earlier today my friend Sam called me and asked what day this week Scott and I would be available to watch a movie with her and her fiance Tyler. It is crazy to think that just a year ago we were running with an entirely different crowd, and now the four of us are living very different lives. Where last year we would have been at the Sigma Chi house for a party, this year we're getting together at our apartment for dinner and a movie. And I SO enjoy having couple friends!

5. Next week is Greek Week at UTA, and even though I have been treated unfairly by my old friends I do miss being a part of that. I was almost initiated as an Alpha Chi Omega last spring, but a week before my last set of dues was to be paid I found out I was pregnant with Deacon. I couldn't justify paying six hundred dollars for only a few short weeks as an AXO when I would need it for diapers, clothes, and baby gear in nine short months. So I never got to go through initiation and become a "sister", some days I regret it and some days I am at peace with my decision. Being dropped last weekend really helped the whole situation, because even though ∑X aren't my letters, I get to wear them proudly!

6. I love getting my nails done- it's like therapy for me! When I was pregnant I used to get a pedicure almost every week, and the ladies would be very disappointed at how these toes look right now haha. Now my hands are the pretty ones, they make me feel so much more polished (haha). I can have no make-up on and my hair in a bun on the top of my head, but if my nails look good it's going to be a good day!

7. My brother-in-law Todd is so special to me. I have two brothers of my own, but I LOVE me some Toddly! He is so sweet and adores Deacon and Willow. Living with him this summer made us really close, and I feel honored that he comes to me for advice, chemistry help, and gives me a great big hug every time he sees me. He always loves white cupcakes with vanilla icing, I think I'm going to make some and send them to him this week! His birthday is tomorrow so HAPPY BIRTHDAY UNCLE TODD!

8. I find that I end every day with a beverage of some kind. I catch myself saying "I want a glass of ______ and then I'll be ready for bed" almost every night! Whether it's Coke, water, tea, or wine, I always finish the day that way.

9. I'm still having a very hard time with the fact that my once "best friend" Mandi isn't in my life anymore. She was a terrible influence and someone who caused me a lot of pain and heartache, but for two years she was a very important person to me. She hasn't ever seen my son even though for months before he was born she would always say "I want to be a part of his life, I want to be important to him". The night I had him she made up some excuse about why she couldn't come see us, and I later found out that she was with her boyfriend instead. And the last time I talked to her was a week after we brought Deacon home, she called to tell me that she and her boyfriend would be over in two hours- I haven't heard from her since. Last week I deleted her off my facebook and out of my phone, along with anyone associated with her that might give her access to me. It's a good tie to cut, but so hard at the same time and I can't figure out why. I don't want her to be part of our lives anymore, she did nothing but cause trouble and instigate drama- but it makes me mad that I still get upset about it. Obviously it's something that I need to continue to pray about, because as of now I'm not at peace with the situation at all.

10. I want to start going back to church. For a very long time I've been angry with God, and lost my trust in Him along the way. But I don't want to be that way anymore, I want my good relationship with Him back again. A few weeks ago we went to church with Sam and Tyler, and though it is not a place that I can see myself becoming a member of, I loved being there. My goal for the next several weeks is to find a place I would like to call my church home. Wish me luck, NRCA definitely spoiled me and I've found that I'm a very hard person to reach when trying to give a sermon.

Happy Tuesday everyone! I hope it was a great one :)

Ahh Chemistry..

Right now Scott and I are watching the Texas A&M/Kansas game, and crossing our fingers that A&M comes out on top! Scott's little brother Todd is a freshman at A&M and he's rooting for his Aggies- Scott thinks he just saw him on TV too! How exciting :) In a few minutes I'm about to start making a review for Todd, he has a chemistry exam on Wednesday and needs my help. Hopefully all my mad chemistry skills will come back to me quickly! Haha.

Deacon and I have been Skype-ing with my mom and the rest of the family for the last couple of days. I so wish we could be there with them in person, but seeing them on the computer makes me a little less homesick. I honestly never thought I would want to move back to Raleigh, but now that I have Scott and Deacon I would really like to be closer to my family. I miss going to soccer games, basketball games, baking with my mom, and I really don't want to miss out on Angela and Ryan growing up. Unfortunately when I looked at our calendars it will be summer before we get to go back to NC for a visit :( The pictures today are ones that my mom took while we were Skype-ing earlier. Soon I hope to get some books that my mom also has so she can read to him while we're talking, that would be really special for them both.

Today was rough at work, I think Mondays are going to be hard for all four kids- especially after they've been with just their parents all weekend long! Joi got her "big girl bed" this last weekend and I've been appointed to get her to sleep in her own room instead of with her parents. On top of potty training, while taking care of her twin brothers and Deacon! Ah! Pray for me. She did really well when it was just us today, but her dad was there for a while in the morning and she seemed to act out more than usual with him there. Tomorrow is a brand new day!

Sweetheart of Sigma Chi

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I hope you all enjoyed this special day with your loved ones, I know I did. My mom was so sweet and made Scott and I cards from Deacon and sent them to us. And the cute little dog you see with Deacon in the pictures is from Scott's parents. We are so lucky that Deacon has grandparents who love us so much!

Our reception/open-house was last night and we had a blast! I admit that I was nervous about how Deacon was going to act, in the last few weeks he's become very clingy and anxious around large groups of people. He's fine as long as his Mama is holding him, but when everyone else starts grabbing at him and talking really loud he gets scared and starts screaming and turns bright red! Yikes. So needless to say I was interested to see how last night would come together, but he slept most of the time and was a happy camper once he woke up. His Uncle Todd even got to hold him for a good long while when he fell asleep! There was a really good turnout, I think the final count was 61 guests! We felt very loved and are so grateful for the gifts everyone brought. I got to wear my dress again which is always fun, and we had a gorgeous wedding cake that we got to cut (though we chose not to smear it all over each other! haha).

The coolest part of the night was when Scott dropped me and all of his Sigma Chi brothers sang me the Sweetheart Song :) For those of you who think I ended up on the floor, it's actually a Greek Fraternity tradition where a brother gives his girlfriend/fiance/wife a necklace with the ∑X letters on it. Basically, it symbolizes that I belong to a Sigma Chi! Now I get to wear the ∑X letters and I have special privileges that no average girl gets (sorority or not!). It meant a lot to me to have all the guys sing the Sweetheart Song, and since I was never officially initiated as an Alpha Chi Omega because I got pregnant it's nice that I can still wear letters of some kind.

Now it's time to curl up on the couch with Scott and a glass of wine, the PERFECT ending to our Valentine's Day :)

SNOW!

Today was SUCH a great day! Yesterday morning it started snowing, and by the time we woke up today there was NINE inches of snow on the ground. NUTS! Global warming.. Puh-leez! This is Texas people, we don't ever see snow, let alone nine inches. All the schools were closed today, so since the kids dad is a teacher I only went for a little bit today so he could do some errands.

This morning was really nice, we all got to lay in bed and snuggle as a family. Even Willow knew something was up, we stayed in our pajamas until 10 o'clock instead of rushing to get out the door! And can I just say Willow is an absolute snow NUT. On Christmas Eve when we got an inch of snow she wouldn't even go outside, and when we were finally able to convince her to she peed on the sidewalk so she didn't have to touch the snow. Haha goofball. But this time Willow is like a new woman! She jumps and rolls and dives in the snow like a little snow bunny. Scott got it all on tape, she was hilarious! Thank you Todd for getting us our sweet new video camera as a wedding present.. You rock!

Last night we tried to take pictures of Deacon in the snow, we bundled him up and threw him out there. And of course, when I went to upload them onto the computer the camera deleted them all! Not cool. So this morning we tried again, but we were successful this time! I love that the snow is only lasting a day or two, it should mostly melt away by the end of the weekend. More than snow a few times in a winter is too much for me!

On a different note, can I just say that I am OBSESSED with the Dr Phil show at the moment? Why I couldn't tell you, but I've gotten hooked, especially to the Dr Phil family. If anyone else watches it... Alexandra is pregnant AGAIN?! Really?! She's MY age and already has a 6 year old and a 2 year old... Personally, I feel like if you got pregnant at 14 you would figure out how these things happen and avoid it at all costs. It's like the Duggars... 19 children? I'd go nuts. But whatever floats your boat! Today on Dr Phil he had The Canadian Tenors perform, and they are absolutely INCREDIBLE. They were on Oprah a couple days ago, and I literally found myself with my jaw wide open and goosebumps running up my spine. I just downloaded their cd and it's official.. They may have Josh Groban beat on my list! Can't wait to listen to it in my car, Deac and I are going to JAM!

Tomorrow is our reception/open-house at Scott's parents house, I can't wait to see all of our friends and family! Should be a blast. Night all!

Valentine's Day surprise!

Well, I just ordered the pictures for the Valentines the kids are going to make for their parents tomorrow. We're supposed to get SNOW tomorrow so I need to get them done early in case I don't have work on Friday! Crossing my fingers :) Last week I started my new job, I'm nannying full-time for a family that lives right around the corner- I have four children under the age of two ALL day EVERY day! It's absolute chaos, but I love it. They truly remind me of the Hupps which makes it that much more enjoyable. The twin boys are seven months old (Jaxon and Jayden) and Joi is twenty months old. The boys were preemies so they still can't sit up or anything, which makes for a very long day when three babies all want to be held at the same time! We all have lots of fun though, and Joi is such a big helper. She just started the potty training process yesterday, so last night I went to Wal-Mart and bought her stickers and some M&M's to make it fun for her! It worked with the triplets, we'll see how she does with it haha. Willow went with me today and she had so much fun with the kids! Right when we got home she went to her bed and curled up, she's pooped. It's so nice to have found a wonderful family with boys Deacon's age who let me keep both of my babies with me!

I haven't quite decided what I'm going to do for Scott for Valentine's day yet. Part of me wants to say "we just got married, what else do I need to do?!" but I know I need to put some more effort into it. Especially since last year he went all out and all I did was make dinner! I'll probably do the same this time around, just more romantic and involved if you know what I mean ;) Come to think of it, I need to get back on the Wal-Mart site and order more pictures to make Valentines for the grandparents!

It's still so weird that our parents are called Grandma, Grandpa, Grams, and Big Poppy now.. And I'm MOM! They do adore my sweet Deacon though and I'm SO grateful for that. It was a rough and rocky road while I was pregnant, but now that Deacon is here you would never know that at one time I wondered whether or not he would ever be loved the way that I wanted him to be. Scott's mom Julie is always texting me asking how he is, and his dad Scott has Deacon's picture with his Notre Dame hat on as the background of his computer. My Dad calls Deacon "Big D" and eats up the fact that he looks just like him. It was so sweet to see him comforting Deacon during the wedding, and he very much enjoys when I leave them together for "bonding time" with a bottle and a bag of frozen milk. I have to say though that the way my Mom has taken to Deacon touches me the most. She absolutely eats him up every time she is with him, and I'm sure is secretly praying that we end up moving back to NC after Scott graduates (I can't deny that I'm doing the same thing!). On the way home from our wedding, she told Angela "text Maggie and have her send a picture of Deacon to Dad's phone. If I don't get to see him every day I think I'll DIE." Now she gets daily pictures of him, and earlier sent me an e-mail telling me how in love she is with him. He truly is a very special, very loved little boy!

Though it's not quite nine o'clock, I think I'm about to hit the hay. Deacon was in bed early tonight, for some reason he couldn't get comfortable enough for a solid nap today so he's sacked out. Scott skipped class tonight to sleep, he is on the verge of getting sick from pure exhaustion. And I'm still trying to catch up from last weekend, the fact that I haven't been able to get all four kids to sleep at the same time all week hasn't helped either! Goodnight all, sweet dreams :)

The First of Many!

Hello everyone, and welcome to our blog! I so badly wish I would've started one when Deacon was born. Scott and I just got married this past Saturday (2/6/2010), and what better time to start than the beginning of your marriage?!

There are so many things I want to say, about the wedding, Scott, Deacon, Willow, my new job.. But I am literally WIPED OUT! Ridiculously exhausted after this weekend, and no amount of sleep has helped so far. Thank goodness Deacon has started sleeping 7-8 hours in a row at night! He's such a good baby, and the absolute love of my life :) He giggled for the first time today, talk about melt a Mama's heart!

Goodnight everyone, may this be the start of something great!